The Ultimate Groomsman Guide

The Ultimate Groomsman Guide. Baffled by your groomsman duties? Here's an impossible-to-mess-up cheat sheet that tells you what to do (and what not to do) when.

Remember Rick Fox, the old Lakers swingman? He didn't do much. Sure, he played okay defense and swished a three here and there. But he filled his role well. He knew how to not screw up, how to avoid turnovers and how to ride the coattails of other players — so much that he won three championships. As a groomsman, you are Rick Fox. It's an easy gig. Don't blow it.

The Engagement Party

• Duty #1: Go pick up the celebratory cigars (or scotch, or whatever) — because this is just the beginning of your life as a groomsman.
• Duty #2: Answer one of the maid of honor's 481 crazy, ranting emails about whether or not to go with "plum" or "melon" colored champagne flutes for the couple's engagement gift you're all supposed to pitch in for (what's with women and naming colors after foods anyway?).
• Duty #3: Arrive early. Chances are, the couple's parents are throwing this shindig, but they might want you for manual labor — like picking up ice, arranging chairs or setting up the bar.
• Duty #4: Meet the bridesmaids. Flirt. Assign dibs. Do not, however, hook up. Yet. Why? The magical thing about wedding hook-ups is that they're short, festive and camouflaged by the boozy glow of dancing and champagne. There's a reason Wedding Crashers wasn't Thanksgiving Crashers or Dinner-With-Her-Parents Crashers. Remember: You're going to see this girl again — so save it for the big dance.
• Duty #5: Don't do anything stupid. Don't say anything stupid. Try to peel your eyes off the maid of honor's cleavage (yes, even if she's clearly showing it off). It's way too early in the game to put yourself on the injured list — which is exactly where you'll end up if you anger the bride-to-be. No, seriously, dude. She'll mess you up.

The Shower

• Duty #1: Wait to see if you're even invited. Here's the thing: Showers used to be — and still are, for the most part — female-only events. But in recent years, guys have started to get invited to these things like we have nothing else to do on a Sunday (it's called football, ladies). These sadistic gatherings are what've been dubbed "Jack and Jill" showers — and if you happened to get an invite, well, grab your man purse, get a manicure and prep with a viewing of 27 Dresses. This. Is. Your. Life. Now. Friend.
• Duty #2: Buy a gift. To do this, you'll have to find the couple's registry (if this is confusing, direct yourself to the maid of honor ASAP). Now, here's the key: Don't be cheap. Everyone invited to the shower will be looking at that exact same wedding web page and will have contemplated those exact same gifts. Therefore, they know exactly how much everyone ends up spending when the couple opens their presents. This includes you, so no skimping out (then you'll really never get any bridesmaid action).
• Duty #3: Pretend, just for the next few hours, to be interested in place settings, silver serving plates and linens. Ooh. Aah. Do not cringe. Do not roll your eyes. Do not look at your watch in five-second intervals. You will survive this.
• Duty #4: Have a backup plan. The truth is, the women won't really care if you're there or not once the punch is poured — you're just the mules waiting around to carry stuff. Save the groom from having to pose holding up a tablecloth or some other ridiculous household item and whisk him into the basement for a Wii session, even if that means bringing your own set from home (with extra remotes).
• Duty #5: Roll up your sleeves. Once the presents have been opened, it's your job to help carry the couple's new swag out to the car. Pack the back of the groom's SUV like you would a moving van — heavy boxes on the bottom, lighter ones on top. Really, you don't want to be responsible for breaking $1,500 in china.

The Bachelor Party

• Duty #1: Don't assume anything. Most guys think "bachelor party" and their minds go ballistic with images of strippers, lap dances and shooting champagne like they just won the World Series or something. The thing is, your groom just might not be so into that (he is sleeping with someone on the regular, you know) — in fact, a recent poll on ThePlunge.com found that 61 percent of grooms have zero (yes, zero) interest on celebrating their end of singlehood with a big ol' lap dance. So respect his boundaries.
• Duty #2: Out of all of your wedding tasks, this is the one thing you should plan far in advance (we're talking months). The best man should finalize the guest list (check with the groom), launch an email chain, find a good weekend and book early to score cheap flights. Working with a tight budget? No big deal. Head out on a road trip or go camping.
• Duty #3: Here's a crazy thought: You might want to remember some of this testosterone-induced weekend, so schedule a window of sobriety. Or at least try. The best bachelor parties have a one-two punch of drunken debauchery and vigorous, sweaty, outdoor activity. White-water rafting, skiing, football, hiking, hunting, four- wheeling, paintballing, sky diving — it all works. So grab a keg and get creative.
• Duty #4: Pony up cash for the groom's expenses. This is a major rule, so no skipping out and letting him pick up a dinner check or bar tab (oh, he'll try). Usually, everyone invited (as in, not just the groomsmen) chips in on this one, so you might even cut a break.
• Duty #5: These are all small details, so we're throwing them into one checklist: Forbid check-in calls with Schmoopy. In fact, while you're at it, forbid drunken check-in calls to anyone. If you're partying it up in Vegas, limit yourself to no more than four Swingers and The Hangover references. And, most importantly, don't let the groom cross the line — not even if he's so plastered he can't see it.

The Wedding

• Duty #1: Square away your tux. This means going to the rental place at least the day before (if not earlier, like four days before) and trying it on. Yeah, novel concept, but you'll be happy you slapped on that jacket when you realize it's three sizes too big and you look like Dopey.
• Duty #2: Distract the groom. Play hoops, watch a game, whatever — just avoid any questions like, "Are you sure about this, man?"
• Duty #3: Stand and walk. Really, that's it. Well, unless you're the best man, in which case you hold the rings too. But dogs have been trusted with this, so we think you can handle it.
• Duty #4: It's the reception, baby! If you're giving a toast, stick to this rule: Skewer the groom, flatter the bride. No exceptions.
• Duty #5: Be the lifeblood of the party. Dance, mingle, drink (without turning into "Frank the Tank"). Then zone in on that bridesmaid! ( msn.com )